[Intro: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
– We’re here today with film star Natalie Portman. Now, Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.
– Yeah, well, I was going through a really weird time then. But… I’ve matured a lot.
– Why don’t you fill us in on what it’s like to be you?
– Okay, ya bish.
– I’m sorry, what?
[Verse 1: Natalie Portman]
Yeah, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
Fucked your husband and his best friend just for sport, man
You know it’s clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
Put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade, switchblade (Woo!)
Xannies dissolving in my Pinot
My man dance, but he’s not a ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes, but he give me good D, though
Wrap a good burrito
Tide Pods only fucking thing I snack on
Black out and go motherfucking Black Swan
Brain gone off that fucking Ayahuasca, boy
Tell your tourist parents I’ma turn you into a foster boy!
[Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
– Wow, I gotta say it seems like you’re almost exactly the same, but with current references.
– Untrue. I’m a mother now. It’s really changed my perspective.
– And do you find it difficult juggling kids and a career?
– You can juggle these nuts.
– What?
[Verse 2: Natalie Portman]
I don’t dance now, I make mommy moves
When I gave birth, I didn’t even push
I was blazed out, smoking bomb kush
And when my water broke, you know it drowned the doctor
They say I’m sex-positive
Hell yeah, I’m positive
That you’re going down while I’m bumping «My Prerogative»
Tell me why
Ha, I guess I’m showing my age
Now bend over and spread them because you about to get fucked
(Damn!)
[Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
– Fascinating stuff. Now I have to ask, Natalie, have you seen the new Star Wars movies?
– No
– Oh, well they’re really good! They’re much better than…
– Better than what?
– …shit
[Verse 3: Natalie Portman & (Alex Moffatt)]
Say something ’bout the motherfucking prequels, bitch! (They were good!)
Say something fucking nice about Jar-Jar Binks (He’s tall?)
Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks (What?)
While I sit dead on your face and take a shit
[Bridge: Andy Samberg (as Carl the Viking) & Natalie Portman]
– Oh, Natalie…
– Yeah?
– Please come meet your baby. He cries himself to sleep every night
– That little shit ain’t mine!
– Oh, Natalie…
– What?
– It’s been twelve long years
– Shut the fuck up!
– And I’m seven days sober, I swear on his life!
– You’re a mess, Carl.
[Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman]
– Okay, well, that’s all the time we have. Natalie, one last question—do you think those «Time’s Up» pins have had the impact that you were hoping for? AH!
– How’s that for impact?
– Well, actually — oh, no…
– No more questions.