The piano has been drinking,
My necktie is asleep
And the combo went back to New York,
The jukebox has to take a leak
And the carpet needs a haircut
And the spotlight looks like a prison break
Cause the telephone's out of cigarettes
And the balcony is on the make
And the piano has been drinking,
The piano has been drinking
And the menus are all freezing
And the lightman's blind in one eye
And he can't see out of the other
And the piano-tuner's got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother
And the piano has been drinking,
The piano has been drinking
Cause the bouncer is a Sumo wrestler
Cream puff Casper Milquetoast
And the owner is a mental midget
With the I.Q. of a fencepost,
Cause the piano has been drinking,
The piano has been drinking
And you can't find your waitress
With a Geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
And you just can't get served without her
And the box-office is drooling
And the bar stools are on fire
And the newspapers were fooling
And the ash-trays have retired
Cause the piano has been drinking,
The piano has been drinking,
The piano has been drinking,
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me…