I've got an ugly face with spots all over the place,
I haven't got any mates and me clothes have gone out of date,
I go to the pub on me own and I drink me orange alone
I sit and stare at the cracks, but they just turn their backs
I want to chat ‘em up, but I stare at me feet,
And then I go home and I beat me meat,
I'm dead shy about the size of me dick
And chips n gravy make me sick
I'm a failure with girls — I don't know why
I'm a failure with girls — they're so unkind
I'm a failure with girls — they make me cry
Only wish I could say that I don't mind
A Macc Lad just said me: 'Take note!'
And he poured a pint of bitter down me throat,
It was the first pint I'd ever had, and I changed to a real Macc Lad,
Me clothes started looking real flash, I gorra tattoo and a moustache
And me car gorra go-faster stripe,
Now I pull crack every night
And I'm not weak anymore, got me dick measures 3'4″,
So don't you call me wimp – it's 3'4″ even when it's limp
I'm dead macho with girls — I never fail
I'm dead macho with girls – ‘coz I sup ale
I'm dead macho with girls — thanks to Boddies
Only wish that I didn't have VD