Sarah:
Gus is the cat
at the theatre door
His name, as I ought
to have told you before
Is really Asparagus,
but that's a fuss to pronounce
That we usually call him
just Gus
His coat's very shabby,
he's thin as a rake
And he suffers from palsy
that makes his paw shake
For he was in his youth quite
the smartest of cats
But no longer a terror
to mice or to rats
For he isn't the cat
that he was in his prime
Though his name was quite famous,
he says, in his time
And whenever he joins
his friends at their club
(Which takes place at the back
of the neighbouring pub)
He loves to regale them,
if someone else pays
With anecdotes drawn
from his palmiest days
For he once was a star
of the highest degree
He has acted with Irving,
he's acted with Tree
And he likes to relate
his success on the halls
Where the gallery once gave him
seven cat calls
But his grandest creation
as he loves to tell
Was Firefrorefiddle,
the fiend of the fell
Sir John
I have played in my time
every possible part
And I used to know
seventy speeches by heart
I'd extemporize backchat,
I knew how to gag
And I knew how to let
the cat out of the bag
I knew how to act
with my back and my tail
With an hour of rehearsal,
I never could fail
I'd a voice that would soften
the hardest of hearts
Whether I took the lead,
or in character parts
I have sat by the bedside
of poor little Nell
When the curfew was rung
then I swung on the bell
In the pantomime season,
I never fell flat
And I once understudied
Dick Whittington's cat
But my grandest creation,
as history will tell
was Firefrorefiddle,
the fiend of the fell
Sarah
Then, if someone will give him
a toothful of gin
He will tell how he once played
a part in East Lynne
At a Shakespeare performance
he once walked on pat
When some actor suggested
the need for a cat
Sir John
And I say now these kittens,
they do not get trained
As we did in the days
when Victoria reigned
They never get drilled
in a regular troupe
And they think they are smart
just to jump through a hoop
Sarah
And he says as he scratches
himself with his claws
Sir John
Well the theatre is certainly
not what is was
These modern productions
are all very well
But there's nothing to equal
from what I here tell
That moment of mystery
when I made history
As Firefrorefiddle, the fiend of the fell