Aquarius
There's travel in your future
When Your tongue freezes to the
Back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your life
By playing Whack-A-Mole
Seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
With the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance,
No matter what those idiots
At work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that forty
Pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes
With an albino dwarf,
Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness —
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow
You'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff,
And then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today
(that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party
Will be ruined once again
By your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiance hurls a
Javelin through your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says
Wou should spend the rest of the
Week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape
Up your nose while taking
Your driver's test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy
Your butt and staple it to
Your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,
Then wash it down with
A gallon of strawberry, Quick
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent —
Except for you
Expect a big surprise
Today when you Wind up with your head impaled
On a stick
That's your horoscope for today
(that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable
Or at the very least a bit
Unlikely that the relative position
Of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance
Or meaning that txclusively
Applies to only you,
But let me give you my assurance that these
Forcasts and predictions are all based on
Solid, scientific, documented
Evidence.
So you would have to be some kind of moron
Not to reaize that every single one
Of the is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just
Around the corner for someone much more
Talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine,
Remember that when your appendix
Bursts next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected
Trip when you call screaming from
An open window
Work a little harder
On improving your low self-esteem,
You stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind Your back
(kill them)
Take down all those
Naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
You've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're
An exciting and wonderful person, but
You know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock
My doors and Windows
And never never never never never
Leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today
(that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(Yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today